Ozzy: Oi ! get away from my fucking burrito you little bastard !!
Ozzy: (To Kelly) Everytime I mention the vagina doctor, you get this little smirk on your face. What have you been up to?
Kelly: Jack, stop telling people you're Ozzy Osbourne's son to get into places, Cos it makes you a fucking loser!
Jack: I'm an ass-Kicking fat kid.
Sharon: Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum!......... Do I have a scrotum?
Kelly: You haven't done anything, its your fucking daughter. I just got a call from some woman telling me how I should prepare my vagina for my gynecologist appointment tomorrow. She booked me a fucking gynecologist appointment!
Ozzy: All you have to do is say "Fuck Off" when the vagina doctor calls.You haven't been playing doctors and nurses have you?
Ozzy: Weather in Afghanistan, 2000 degrees and cloudy. What the fuck am I doing? I'm stuck on the weather channel. AHHH!
Some Woman: Ohh Its Broken !
Sharon: Off course its broken (Talking About Her Vase) those fucking packed it ! look at it ! theres a fucking big chuncky out of it ! that motherfucker ! where is he ? everything we open its broken , they keep saying to me " i`ll glue it " Im gonna glue his fucking mouth !
Sharon: Ozzy stop ! Ozzy, no no no no no, Here ..here's the fruit! Ozzy, no wood, you could be picked up for manslaughter! Ozzy ! Ohh Fuck ! hes going to the other side of the house !! Ozzy !!!
Kelly: You're so fucking violent.
Ozzy and Jack: Shut up!
Some Guy: Is it a swim pool or a pond ?
Sharon: Its a fucking swimming pool , and the guy thats buiding it .. im gonna drown the motherfucker in there !
Some guy: (singing) Dude looks like a lady...
Ozzy: Hey, what are you talking about...looks like a lady!
Sharon: Did anybody feed the dogs today?
Kelly: NO!!!
Sharon: (In the limo) Look at the ceiling, its like Kelly's bedroom.
Ozzy: Oh, wonderful, we'll live here.
Sharon: Jack, how are you getting there?
Jack: We're walking.
Sharon: Jack, how are you getting there?
Jack: We're driving.
Sharon: Who's driving?
Jack: A man with no legs.
Kelly: They make you, like, feed a tree before you feed yourself.
Ozzy: How the fuck you feed a tree?...What...you put a ham sandwich on the tree?
Ozzy: Who pissed !!? Who pissed on my fucking carpet !?! That bastard fucking dog man. I'm going to throw it in the pool ! Where is he ? get the fuck out of my house you fucking ! get the fuck out ! Gone !! Hes a fucking terrorist , Hes fucking part of Bin Laden's gang ! Why do they do it sharon ? whats the deal man ?
Sharon: The virgin Mary speaks to me. She says you must go to Tiffany. And on the way, stop at Cartier.
Sharon: Kelly just called from the pet shop.
Ozzy: No! No! Forget it! No!
Sharon: Aren't you interested?
Ozzy: If it's a living thing, no.
Ozzy: Don't get me wrong sweetheart, I adore Lola. She don't like me, she's trying to destroy me.
Sharon: What's right here? (Points to her pancreas or kidneys or something)
Kelly: Your vagina.
Sharon: No--Ugh! (Covers face) Oh my god, she said that word again. You should have been called Fucking Vagina Osbourne!
Ozzy: Bubbles ?? Oh come on Sharon ! I'm fucking the Ozzy Osbourne, the Prince of fucking Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's fucking evil about a shitload of bubbles man !?
Kelly: You don't go to someone's father, "I don't like the redness in your hair". It's fucking rude. I would never go to her father, "Oh, I don't like the baldness, maybe you should get a fucking tupee.".
Ozzy: I just won! (After putting quarters in his own slot machine).
Sharon: That was good! That hit the ceiling, and the vase, and the floor, that was really well done.
Melinda: Jack , you dont want "the eagles" CD ?
Jack: No , throw it !
Melinda: Why ?
Jack: Just throw it ! i dont have answers for everything i do !
Melinda: Alright !! fuck off !!
Jack: Bugger off !!
Ozzy: No, don't you start fucking singing, the fucking birds will die.
Sharon: Taste it (Sharon was offering Ozzy little listerine pockets)
Ozzy: No , dear !
Sharon: Go on !
Ozzy: But i dont want to taste it !
Sharon: Yes , you do !
Ozzy: I dont want it !
Sharon: Taste it !
Ozzy: What is it ? Cyanide ?
Sharon: No , taste them ! Its a gum ! Its a new gum .
Ozzy: You`re winding me up !
Sharon: No , just taste it !
Ozzy: Its a fucking stamp ! Ohh dear , Man !
Sharon: Do you like it ?
Ozzy: Its fucking crap ! it disappears .
Sharon: Its just meant to freshen your mouth .
Ozzy: Theres not gum there , you lied to me !
Sharon: Well i wanted you to try it !
Ozzy: Its fucking horrible !
Sharon: I dont like it !
Ozzy: Thanx alot you fucker ! (Walks out the room pissed off)
Kelly: My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business.
Kelly: I don't really care what people think about my hair. It's my hair, so why should they care? Ooh, that rhymed.
Kelly: She's pissing in the bottle....just like she shit in Dad's bag of weed in Hawaii.
Ozzy: He's up in his room planning his future.
Sharon: The only thing he's planning is his next wank , whether he's going to use his left hand or his right hand.
Ozzy: Ohh sharon ! dont be so disgusting !
Sharon: You're going to have to dye her pink because if he comes back and sees that dog......
Ozzy: I hate these fucking stretch bastards junk pimp mobiles!
Ozzy: Ever since Kelly was born she has what we call a 'wobbler'. It's kind of like a freak-out. "Blaaaahhhhh! Waaaaa!" .. Over nothing !! She's had a wobbler every day since she's being living. So when you say 'what causes...', it's Kelly!
Ozzy: What do you want me to do with my gun Sharon? Put it under my bed?
Sharon: Whatever you wanna put it !!!
Ozzy: I'll put it under my bed! (Runs off like an excited five year old.)
Ozzy: Jack !!
Jack: Yeah ?
Ozzy: Can you get this fucking computer television to work ?
Ozzy: Jack !!!!
Jack: Im Coming !!!
Ozzy: Fucking thing !! Im Gonna get a fucking normal TV man !
Ozzy: I press this one button and the shower starts , im like "What is this ? where am i man ? The nightmare continues ...Nightmare in beverly Hills !
Kelly: It tastes like Fizzy Piss, but I'll have some.
Melinda: I'd like a glass of fizzy piss please, I'd love some.
Ozzy: You don't need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door!
Ozzy: Well, its not that bad. I thought she was going to show me a picture of uhhhh...an eagle on her ass or something. (Talking About Kellys Tattoo)
Ozzy: I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all fucking mad.
Kelly: Your valet guy just farted in my car and it smells un-godly.
Ozzy: I think she's a fucking fruit loop. (About Tamara, the dog therapist).
Ozzy: Don't drink. Don't do drugs. And if you have sex, wear a condom. (Note Kelly and Ozzy's facial expressions).
Melinda: Don't you want to see your dad?
Jack: I'll see it tonight....that's the Tonight Show.
Melinda: Oh, really ?!?! Ah !! I didn't know!
Jack: Well, you are blonde.
Melinda: Fuck off.
Jack: Get a real job.
Ozzy (hugging Sharon): Merry xmas.....baby ! i love you ! (more mushy stuff).....now fuck off.
Ozzy: Turn that Fucking thing off, its driving me mad Man !!!
Ozzy: Where is the cats ? where ? where ? come puss !! Ohh fucking thing ! You fucking dumb shit motherfucker !! SHARON !!! shes coming down there ! can somebody grab the cat ? shes coming down ! SHARON !!! where did the cat go ? SHARON !!! fucking cats !!
Sharon: Ok kelly , move this things here , what do i do ? cos i cant see a thing !
Kelly: Mom ! Mom ! My car ! just in case you`re wondering , you`re a shit driver !
Sharon: I didnt scratch your license plate !!
Kelly: Yes you did ! the half of the seven is off !! you`re not driving my car anymore mama ! im sorry ! .
Sharon: Ohh no jack ! wait ! ohh my god !! jack ! jack ! Shes pissed on my new couch !
Jack: She just did that ( Talking About Lola )
Sharon: Jack i cant take this anymore !!
Kelly: Get rid of the dog !
Jack: Get Rid of you !!
